Hey Ags, What's happenin?
I want some advice.
Mate, i'm the top notch, you beaut, buffed up, puncherific, smashaholic, take no shit, do-no-wrong Tasmanian heavyweight wrestlin champion and professional badass extraordinaire.
I've got the fists that kill and the looks that thrill and when I'm not in me wrestlin gear pummling my opponents in the ring with unrelenting bashment, I'm struttin me stuff around the streets of Launceston in me denim floggin out a belting to any c*** who so much as looks at me, even if they don't look at me.
I've got it all and everybody wishes they could be me... But I want more!!!!!
For years i've been tryin to get big multi million dollar companies to endorse me and throw bundles of free shit and cash my way for nuthin but none of them seem to care. I've tried em all!!! KFC, Subway, Colgate, Wrigleys chewin gum, Mcains, Coke and a certain other heartless soulsuckin shit heeled U.S. soft drink giant who will remain nameless (ie Dr Pepper, the pricks)
But no luck....... Not a red cent, nuthin!!!!!! Mate, What gives?????!!!!!!?????? How do i get one?
Sincerely aggravated, The hot buttered kid.
Hi Hot Butttered
I can’t understand why no-one will sponsor you either. You sound positively dreamy. A modern day Tony Danza if you like. Your words just jump off the page and immediately get people in to a Nelson Hold. I could feel the strength of your bulging and pulsating muscles under my arms and could imagine your stale tuna breath against my ear.
I think your problem is with the type of companies you're approaching. To be sponsored successfully, you need to align yourself to products more akin to your personality. The role of a self-absorbed ninny has already been trademarked by Warwick Capper but here are a few other suggestions for you.
- Libra maternity pads. Thick and bulky for girls.
- Sure Fit ear plugs. To drown out that annoying sound.
- Aaron’s Hardware. For when you’re looking for a REAL tool.
- Any female urination device that allows you to pee while standing up.
- Ansell condoms. What happens when the dumb sperm get through.
But if any of these suggestions fall through (but I think Ansell will pay up), I suggest you get the ultimate sponsorship and go on the Dole. But a word of warning. Even though it looks like you’re getting money for nothing, the Dole is owned by me - and all my other tax paying Angry Agony Aunt readers. So we’ll require you to do things for us in return. My first and only job for you is to take some Imodium becuase that stuff is still dribbling out of your mouth. I’m sure my readers will have other suggestions.
Love and kisses, Angry Aunty.