Do you have a new year’s resolution this year?
Let me tell you something. New Years resolutions are for unhealthy, chain smoking, alcoholic, drug addicts with no money and no spine. Sometimes they’re called Stan, but not all the time. These ‘Stan’s’ swear that, ‘I’m going to turn my life around and make a long list of promises’, blah, blah. But this is useless ‘my mouth is moving but nothing important is being said’ talk.
Why? Because 12 – 24 hours in to the new year (crunch time), like a kid with a shiny toy, temptation lands in their lap and they get distracted. And before you can say, ‘Dude, let’s steal the neighbour’s car’, they’ve got a cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other, telling their Nanna to ‘get f&cked’, as they’re hot wiring her car. Old habits die hard.
But if you’re not a ‘Stan’ and you actually want to succeed in life, I suggest you try what I call a ‘Reverse Resolution’. Write down all the things you achieved in 2011. Believe it or not, we all have something to be proud of. And if you’re actually nice to yourself, hopefully you'll continue to be nice to yourself in the upcoming year.
For example: Did you manage to finally have sex? (Thumbs up Fernando) Did you stop calling your mother a dirty, old, cranky whore? (I know it was hard Maryanne, but kudos to you) How about your finances? Are you able to answer ‘private number’ calls again? I bet if you're sober, even just for five minutes, you’d be able to name at least five good things that happened during the year. What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn about other people?
Having done my own Reverse Resolution, I've ruled that I'm happy to continue drinking litres of cheap wine followed by bacon chasers, smoking two cigarettes at a time, maxing out my credit cards and dating guys called ‘Stan’. Why? Because if I didn’t, l wouldn’t have anything to be angry about anymore...
Happy New Year to everyone. Except Stan. You can rot in hell. But not before living a long and painful life full of guilt and regret.
