Why won't you answer my question?

Due to the amount of questions I receive, verses the angry time I have available for you ungrateful bastards, here are a few that only require a swift kick up the pants.
Note : If you're question isn't here, you know I'm working through my rage to get it posted ASAP. 

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

How many menstrual days does Justin Bieber have?

I’m not sure how many Justin has, but his hair is on the standard 28 day cycle.  Every couple of days a month, poor Justin knows that when he’s having a bad hair day, he just has to accept it, give in to it’s outrageous and unreasonable demands and know that no amount of styling will settle it down.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

How do I get my mum to wear her hearing aid?

Tell her she’ll get sun cancer.  Oh wait a second, I’m thinking of a hat. 

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

Why don’t chocolate fish swim?

But they do.  Add some chocolate fish and milk in a blender and what your babies swim.  

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

Should I be re-reading my Facebook updates before I update them?

Yes.  It’s the internet equivalent of checking your fly is zipped up. It’s funny how one little thing like checking details can ruin your life.  Especially when you’re applying for a job.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

Why don’t menstrual cycles have wheels?

Because you’re ugly and I believe in cheap shots.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt

Are you ever happy?

Your Mum

If by happy you mean am I unemployed, ugly, broke, living at home and have a blog that no-one reads?  Then yes, I’m very happy.  Stop knocking on my door.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

Wanna make $4000/month working from home? If so, my suggestion to anyone is to sign on and participate in this program. You will be pleasantly surprised, as I was. You will be truly excited about the potential of success with this business.

Can I earn $4,000 a month working from somewhere else other than my home?  My mother keeps bugging me.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I text heaps of people - Why don't they text back?

Because they don’t like you.  But don’t start crying yet.  There’s one sure fire way to get even your arch enemy to text you back - all in under 160 characters.  Try sending this to everyone in your phone… “Hi, the first person to text me back will get a dollar.”  Then wait for your phone to tinkle off the hook.  However, if you find no-one text’s you back, increase your next message by another dollar, then another until you get a response.  Who says you can’t put a dollar value on friendship?

Should they have wished me a 'Happy Birthday'?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

It was my birthday yesterday and a friend took me out to lunch.  While we were in the line paying, my friend mentioned to the man behind us that it was my birthday.  The man responded with ‘Well, [pause] that’s nice.’  … We were shocked.  Do you think their response should have been ‘Happy Birthday’?  Isn’t it just polite?

What’s not polite are people like you fishing for compliments from a stranger. You’re skating very close to the line of narcissistic and terminally ugly.  Come to think of it, I doubt you even have a friend.  You sound lonely and desperate and are in need of a good metaphorical and physical slap across the face*. 

But having said that, you’re somewhat right about your question.  To a degree, it’s ‘nice’ of people to wish you a happy birthday when prompted.  But it’s not a required reply.  Let me give you an example. 

When a fireman asks you where the fire is, you say, ‘over there’ [and point to where the fire is].  You don’t say, ‘In my pants’ and wait for the laughs.  No.  Why?  Because a fireman can bench press 200kg and will most likely be carrying a heavy fire hose or axe in his hand.  Plus, in this example, there'd be an actual fire somewhere, that’s not in your pants...  So, responding swiftly and correctly is a required reply.

But for the rest of life, there are things called optional reply's.  Example.  Your child wants to know where baby’s come from.  The correct answer is - when Daddy’s penis goes in to Mummy’s vagina [this is a newsflash for some readers].  But this kind of question is met with a plethora of optional reply's.  Anything ranging from the birds and bees to the intimacies of love and marriage.  So why is this answer optional?  Because let’s face it, your child is just going end up learning about sex education from their friends anyway and as soon as a parent says penis, vagina, boobies and butt, everyone feels uncomfortable.

So now you know the difference between required and optional reply's, I’m going to test you to see if you've been paying attention. 

My reply is 'Get a life'.  Now, is that required or optional?

*Angry Aunt doesn’t condone physical violence.  All violence must only be administered by a qualified boxer or well known wrestler from WWE.

Should I respond to the email?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I received a promotional press release and was stunned by the first sentence. 

Due to my PA being on stress and mental health leave last week, it seems that the wrong date has been forwarded regarding my clothing launch.  Please note the following correct details…

That poor secretary.  Should I respond?

Of course you should respond.  It’s your civic duty.  It’s the literary equivalent of standing by and watching bank robbery and not doing anything about it.  Send this moron a delicious and fiery response.  Here’s something to get you started.

Dear [insert your name here]

Thank you for your generic and rather clinical email.  Let me start by saying I hope this email sees you well.  And by well, I mean, I hope you’re stuck in a vat full of putrid prawn heads on a hot day.

So you’re secretary is on stress and mental health leave?  There’s a reason for that.  You’re a terrible designer, you wear too much make-up and your old lady moustache is showing.   

The first rule of ‘Being Boss 101’ is to never publicly ‘rubbish’ a secretary.  But in particular, never publicly rubbish your own secretary.  Why?  Because everyone at one stage has either, been a secretary, known a secretary or taken a secretary out for a drink and asked for a bit of dictation.  This means that every single person is affected by what you said. And regardless if it’s true or not, never, ever, ever, tell people that your right hand has gone to the funny farm.  So on behalf of all secretaries, I submit the following.

I hope the stitching in your new polyester/lyrca Autumn collection frays and unravels with only one tug.  I hope the fashion reviewers from News Limited describe your range as ‘A must have in coffin wear’.  I hope the distributors refuse to transport your shapeless sack bags because of their high flammability content.

But more than anything, I hope your launch is a great success.  I hope it's attended by wall-to-wall secretaries drinking your cheap wine, eating your crappy canapes and giving you a good long hard file.