Can you suggest any good bands?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I listen to a lot of music.  Honestly, I’m a music whore! Music is a massive part of my life & I’m constantly on the lookout for more tunes. I listen to a lot of different styles but my preferences is rock.  The heavier end of the musical spectrum gives me more of an emotional release (& sometimes it comes close to getting me off as well).  Just wondering, do you have any bands that you can suggest?

The only band that I think that fits your needs is a rubber band.  It has the versatility you’re looking for.  It can hold different sounds (the genre), can be flicked at different speeds (the beat) and can be used as a weapon afterwards (like a guitar).  For example, the next Grammy Award winning CD would include such tracks as the country version of ‘Twang for my girl’, the hard rock classic ‘Flick off’ and the pop version of ‘Ooops, that red rubber band hurts’.

As an artist, a rubber band is the ideal instrument.  You don’t need to lug any accompanying amps, cymbals or cords through customs when you’re on your world tour.  Then when you get to your gig, you can use your rubber band to secure your plastic bag full of marijuana for later.

However, sometimes a rubber band has a greater chance of breaking mid ‘riff’.  But don’t worry, all you have to do is grab another one from your rubber band ball.  This ‘ball’ is not only good for getting you out of a pickle on stage but when your tour is over, you can take it down to the basketball / handball / tennis courts and start a game with your mates on your down time.

In relation to rubber bands and ‘getting you off’, I’m not offering that kind of advice.  Google it.  And google it in the comfort of your own dirty and seedy bedroom. Eeeww.

Should I pay the removalists?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt

I’ve just moved house and I had the movers from hell.  When they were actually working, they were slow and broke a few things.  The rest of the time they stood around, drinking chocolate milk, muttering under their breath and farting in small rooms before running out to drink some more chocolate milk.  Should I pay the removalists?

Am I missing something?  Is there something gassy in chocolate milk?  I though lactose had a calming digestive effect, not the opposite.  I think there’s something seriously wrong with your removalist friends and really, you shouldn’t have made them move your house.  You should’ve taken them straight to the emergency room and waited with them until the Doctor gave them the all clear.  Your stuff will always be there when you get back; your removalist friend may not have made it through the day.  

But lucky for you, they worked through their digestive pain and got your stuff moved.  So what if they broke a few things?  What was going on between their esophagus and large intestine was far more dangerous than your precious broken aquarium.   

So do you pay their bill?  Yes, of course you do.  Firstly, they now where you live.  Secondly and most importantly, the last thing you want is a removalist bashing down your door with chocolate milk at the ready.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I moved this guy’s house the other day and it made me feel sick.  It was like he had rotten eggs at the bottom of every box.  It was hard to breathe and I gagged a few times.  The only thing I had in my truck was some chocolate milk to get that horrible off-egg air taste out of my mouth.  A few times I was taken off guard and broke a few things of value.  He owes me money but I really don’t want to go back and smell that house again.  Also, I don’t want him to sue me for the broken items.  Should I cut my losses?

No - if you do the work, you should get paid.  My advice to you is to hold your breath, knock on his door and shove a carton of chocolate milk in his face.  Don't worry, you’ll get the money and if you stand there long enough, you might even get a tip.

Why are old people so rude?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I’m finding myself becoming increasingly angry and frustrated at old people.  I know that I should be respectful and overly nice to them but I just find the majority of them so rude and arrogant and disrespectful towards me and others themselves that I think “Why bother?”  Also, I constantly find myself thinking that at the age they are, most of the time they should know better.  Is there something wrong with me?

Of course there’s something wrong with you.  You have B.O. and mould between your teeth.  Your girlfriend is the town bicycle, your Mum is sleeping with your boss and your boss has naked pictures of your Mum on his desktop.  You’ve got bigger problems than old people.  But do you know what, let’s go with it.

Old people are oddly cool, psychotic nincompoops.  On the one hand they keep calling a DVD Player a VCR and don’t know how to work a VCR, but on the other hand, they can put up a kilometre long fence in half a day.  Old people can’t remember where they put their glasses/teeth/tea/Viagra but they can make cakes that don’t puff or sag in the middle.  These reasons alone take care of the ‘oddly cool’ part but let's shuffle in to 'psychotic nincompoops' territory.

Old people have awesome ‘telling off’ finger waggles but when it comes to lifting heavy stuff, they sight ‘arthritis’.  Yeah right Grandpa.  Next.  Old people will yell at someone who’s sitting right next to them, yell at someone in the next room and yell as someone down the road but they'll whisper when they talk to birds, cats and dogs.

But apart from all their contradictions, old people have a legitimate reason to be rude and bitter.  And it’s a lot simpler than you think.  Old people are cranky because women live longer than men.  Yeah, I know, what a shitty world we live in. 

Having this unfair end-game means everyone’s cranky.  Obviously, the men are cranky because they’re going to hell first and the women are cranky because there’s no-one to put up any more fences.

But having said all that, there's only one cool thing about being old which they all keep a little secret from us 'young people'.  --- They have access to subsidised and frequently obtainable prescription medication.  Boo-yeah.  Up yours, youth-of-today.

What are the answers?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I did your quiz and I got stuck on most of them.  Then I lost interest.  But I'm mildly curious and I can’t be bothered reading the whole blog.  What are the answers?

Wow.  I feel as useful and as loved as the current American economy.  Here are your answers - as I cry into my Chardonnay. 

1.  Red or dark red but to be more precise, maroon.

2.  30.

3. Mutton is the meat of an elderly sheep.  It’s like eating your Grandmother*.  Tough and yucky.

4. If you read my tag line, it says ‘What you need is a good kick up the pants. The pants are not provided but the boot is for free’.  So, no, I don’t sell boots on my blog, so stop asking.  If you want real boots, visit http://www.ebay.com/.

5.  An Aunty is the female sibling of one (and hopefully not both) of your parents.

6. The Wiggles.  And no, it doesn’t matter if it was sung by the old or the new yellow Wiggle.

7. Downtrodden and/or heartbroken.  My boyfriend answered this question before I’d finished asking it.  He seemed quite proud of that.  I found it sad that phrase was so deeply etched in his brain.

8. ‘Dead To Me’ button.  And Zuckerberg, if you steal my idea, just send me a cheque.  Let’s not involve the lawyers.

9. False.  The ‘Grapevine’ isn’t the cure for ANYTHING.  Unless it eventually turns in to Chardonnay.

10. ‘Flying The Rack’.  And I have no idea why this catchphrase hasn’t caught on.

11. (a) a chain of strip club convenience stores.  And upon further consideration, I’ve decided the name these stores - ‘Check Out Chicks’.  The chain’s slogan will be ‘Get your milk and your lap-dance at your convenience’. 

12. (c) Constable Perry McWhirter.  And we’ve never become friends.

13. Negative twenty.  And that just shows how unfair the world is.

14. Star spangled banner, the Lords prayer or Jack Nicholson’s monologue from ‘A Few Good Men’.  And if you’re a real smarty-pants, ‘Please, please, please, take me with you.’

15. Speed.  What do you do?

What do you do?  Send me a question is what you do… angryauntis@gmail.com

*Don't eat your Grandmother.  She'll just taste like chicken that's been sitting in the sun for 90 years. If you're really hungry for something old, I'd recommend eating a 90 year old Cheeseburger instead. At least you'll know it'll be as fresh as the day you bought it.

Why don't you include a quiz?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt

I think your blog is okay - not great but okay.  What do you think about including an interactive section?  Maybe a quiz? 

Sure, why not.

One point for each correct answer

1. What’s the background colour of Angry Agony Aunt? 

2. How many posts have there been in 2011 (including this one)? 

3. What is mutton?

4. How much do I charge for a boot? 

5. In genealogy, what is an Aunty? 

 

Two points for each correct answer

6. In Should I tell my friends I’ve won Lotto, which group sang “I’m in the money” as a voicemail message?   

7. In How do I get a girl like that, what two traits do men need to have to be considered a real man? 

8. What’s the new Facebook button I created?

9. True or False. In How do I get him to walk properly, the “Grapevine” was a suggested cure. 

10. What skateboard catchphrase did I make up?

Three points for each correct answer

11. In How do I get him to go to school, what was the young boy’s billion dollar idea? (a) an automatic prawn peeler (b) a chain of strip-club convenience stores (c) bendable gutters

12. In Should I have corrected him, who was my arresting officer? (a) Senior Sergeant Tom Croyden  (b) Senior Constable Perry McDonald  (c) Constable Perry McWhirter

13. How many karma points do you get when you smack someone else's child? (a) -20  (b) +3  (c) 500 if the kid is a smartass

14. In What should I write in the card, name one of the things I suggested.

15. In Why do I put smilies in text messages, what movie was I subliminally quoting?

Scoring

1-4 = I think you have the wrong blog.

5–10 = Congratulations you can read.

10–14 = You scored higher than my boyfriend and if you’re like him, you didn’t even try.

15–20 = Congratulations, you scored as many as me.

21–24 = If you read my blog so much, will you pay for a subscription?

25–30 = Stop reading my blog for a while.  Then come back when you get a life.

30+ = I’m sorry but you can’t count.

Now, if you have a question, send it through to me.  angryauntis@gmail.com