Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Do you think Russell Brand and Katy Perry will last?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,
Do you think Russell Brand and Katy Perry will last?

My, what a big nose you have.  It’s almost as big as that black hole in your life.  So Part One of my advice is swift and loud.  Get a life!  Seriously.  Get a life.  Put those trashy magazines down! 

Second to alcohol, trashy magazines are the worst offender when it comes to brain rot.  It’s a serious condition called the ‘flip, fall and forget’ syndrome.  You flip the pages of trashy magazines and all the vital information you need to function day-to-day falls out of your brain to make way for the useless ‘celebrity’ mush you’re being fed.  Then one day, you’ll be standing in the shower minding your own business when all of a sudden, you’ll start wondering how you can get so much water from such a little shower nozzle…

The worst offenders are magazines that have the words, 'betrayed!', 'breakup', 'celebrity cellulite' or 'orgasm' on the front cover.  Also, if you see a magazine cover with these words written in fluorescent yellow or fluorescent orange, call a Doctor immediately.  Then sit down.  Brain rot I tell you.  Brain rot.

But back to Russell and Katy.

Why do you care what I think of them?  In fact why do you care full stop?  Russell and Katy and are very nice pretty people.  Katy can hold a tune and Russell can hold himself upright.  She’s gorgeous and he’s mildly bearable to look at.  Katy can defy the laws of physics by having fireworks come out of her boobs and Russell has, one more than one occasion, defied the laws wonder by staying alive.  Leave them alone.  Pick on someone your own financial size.

So, Part Two of my adivce is as equally as simple and loud.  Consult a plastic surgeon!  With a nose that big, you need expensive and painful intervention.  No wonder you don't have a boyfriend.

Have a question? Email angryauntis@gmail.com

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I've been 'unfriended'. What do I do?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,
While doing a routine cleanup of my Facebook page, I discovered that a couple of people I know from work have removed me at some stage.  I thought I was pretty tight with these people so I am a little upset about it.  Do you think I should do or say anything about it? Do I approach them about it and as what’s going on or do I just try and add them again ask if nothing has happened?
Desperate & friendless

Well, well, well, the slasher becomes the slashed.  What an irony.  Let me remind you it was YOU who was ready and willing to use ruthless ‘unfriend’ button.  You.  So don’t go all sooky on me now because a frenemy has given you the e-boot.  This is karma working at it's sparkling best.  But, wait a second, a frenemy?  Yes, a frenemy.  One part friend, one part enemy.  This is where people are all nicey, nicey to your face but all stabby, stabby behind your back.  Welcome to the real world hot shot.

But before I go further, here’s some self indulgent editorial.  Isn’t Facebook great?  I can’t think of anywhere in the world where my current boyfriend, ex-boyfriend and my future boyfriend can happily co-exist.  Wow, what a new and wonderful world we live in.  Now, if only I could get my mother to stop sending me friend requests and start sending me more money, I think my life would be perfect.

Someone asked me the other day if it was rude to ‘unfriend’ a dead friend.  Of course the answer yes but it got me thinking.  What Facebook needs is a button to simultaneously deal with dead friends and friends you no longer want to be friends with but are too weak to tell them.  And I have just the click for it.  It’s called a ‘dead to me’ button.  This way, your dead friends can rest in peace and you can rest in peace knowing the people you hate will never know you hate them.  Don't worry, your 'dead to me friends' can still post useless updates and get their pathetic little Farmville achievement ribbons but you no longer have to read about it.  Why?  Because they're dead to you.  This is genius stuff Mark Zuckerberg and yes, you heard it here first.

PS - Should you approach the people who have unfriended you?  No, don't make a fuss.  You work in the company’s I.T. department.  You know what to do.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

How do I tell my boss I want a pay increase?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt
How do I tell my boss I want a pay increase?

Turning up for work is always a good start.  I know that remembering directions each and every work day is confusing and exhausting.  I mean, there’s streets and cars and people and crossing signals…  Look left, look right and those strange zebra like markings on the road… Also, how do you REALLY know if the green man or the red man your friend?  And what about this business about north, east, south, west?  If the sun’s to your right, is it morning or afternoon???  Whew.  It’s hot and sweaty work…

And just to cap it off, public transport presents a whole different range of problems.  Is the train travelling in the right direction?  Is this the bus stop?  (The sign is a give away).  How do ferry’s float?  Sometimes even your map, GPS and timetable doesn’t help you out.  And forget asking strangers for directions to work.  You’d be better off asking them for a dollar than asking them ‘where's that place I was at yesterday during business hours?’

Then finally, if you’re lucky enough to make it to work (what a stroke of luck!) you have to remember what floor you work on.  There’s only five to chose from and after level hopping, you’ve found an area that looks familiar to you - but you can’t be quite sure if it’s where you work.  It’s not until you see the sign ‘Your desk is here Tracey’ do you realise you’ve made it.  How you haven’t got that pay rise is just mind boggling.

So my advice is quite simple.  Go ahead and tell your boss you want a pay increase.  I'm sure they'd find it the funniest part of their day.  However, be prepared for your boss to fire you and frogmarch you out of the building.  And do you know the worst part of that is?  You’ve now gotta remember how to get home…

Send your questions to me - angryauntis@gmail.com

Friday, June 3, 2011

How do I get him to walk properly?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt
My boyfriend has, what can only be described as an ‘odd strut’.  Physically, there’s nothing wrong with him but when he walks down the street, he leans so far back, it’s like he’s constantly practicing his limbo.  How do I get him to walk properly?

Boy, you really are an ungrateful bitch aren’t you?  I’m sure your boyfriend buys you flowers, rubs your back at ‘that time of the month’ and puts up with you in general.  But no, that’s not good enough for our little Precious McPrecious - no - you have to rag on him about his walking style.  You should be ashamed at yourself and have a good hard look in the mirror (if you haven’t already broken it), before you go judging other people.

Your boyfriend is ‘walking’.  Full stop.  It’s nice to think that life is all about the journey, but let’s face it, life is all about the destination.  This couldn’t be more true when it comes to talking about walking from work to the pub - from the pub to another pub - and from your chair at the pub to the bathroom. 

And moving is moving - who cares if he cartwheels, shimmies or leapfrogs?  Let the poor guy krump down the aisle of the supermarket, cheerleader jump at his performance review and box-step at your parent’s house.  Let him do a one man dos-a-dos at the movies, the grapevine at your sister's wedding and for goodness sake, let him do the time warp again.  Why?  Because every other minute of the day, he’s leading a heartbreaking and painful existence being with you.  He’s doing exactly what you want him to do and being where you want him to be.  Leave the poor guy alone and let him do his ridiculous strutting.

Now, I know you wrote in for guidance about ‘changing’ your boyfriend but I’m going to give him a piece of free and friendly advice.  Dude, read this carefully.  One day soon, when you’re down the street, turn to your girlfriend and say, ‘hey babygirl, look at this’.  Then smile, wave and moonwalk out of her life.

Send me your questions - angryauntis@gmail.com