What tattoo should I get?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I currently have 4 tattoos & I’m looking at getting a couple more but am stuck for ideas.  I’m not one of those people who gets them as it is currently the popular thing to do, each of mine has a personal, symbolic meaning to me and as such that is the reason it has taken me 12 years to get only 4.  I was just wondering if you have any suggestions as to what I should get and where I should get them.

I can’t stand tattoo’s.  But my ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend both have them so if I ever wanted to make things work with either one of these guys, I have to pretend that I like them (the tattoo’s, not the guys).

From what I hear, tattoo’s are very addictive.  It starts off innocently enough.  You get blind drunk and find yourself outside a tattoo shop, shoving a kebab down your gob. You say to your mate “Hey dude….dude wake up… lets go get a tat”.  Your mate wakes up and replies, ‘hey dude, you should get a tatt’.  You wash your kebab down with a swig of Jack Daniels and introduce yourself to Bubba from Bubba’s Body Art and Haberdashery.

You blindly scan the chart for the body art you want.  But let’s face it, you end up pointing to the picture that’s closest to your finger.  Then you’re shoved in the chair and Bubba waves the buzzy pen in your direction.  The first time it touches your skin, you actually want to scream.  It’s the same feeling you had when you said ‘I Do’.  But unlike your wedding, when you’re here with Bubba, you keep your trap shut.  This is because you have to prove to him that you’re a real man.  Then one hour later, he’s done, you’re done and you run in to the back alley and throw up your kebab.

And strangely enough, this is your moment of clarity.  Getting a tattoo has been the only time in your pathetic man life where you get to feel like a real man.  That’s why you find yourself years later with a body full of colour.  And let’s not forget the ‘Brittany Forever’ on your left peck.

But in relation to the design of your next work of art, all I can say is that whatever you do, if you write a word, get it checked by an Editor first.  The last thing you want is to ask for ‘love forever’ in Latin only to find out it says ‘I’m a douche’ in Greek.

Why do I put smilies in text messages?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I'm a heterosexual male who puts smilies in text messages.  Why?

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see the correlation between being gay and sending emoticons.  Being gay involves the removal of pants.  All you’re talking about is sending a text message.  If you ask me (and you have) I think the problem is squarely on your bald and oddly shaped head. 

I think emoticons are perfectly suitable for any kind of man.  The male species are all about visuals.  You know, shapes and pictures of good looking girls / cars / motorbikes / smart phones. 

To prove my point, pop quiz hot shot.  You have less than fifty seconds to tell your girlfriend you love her because if you don’t, she’ll explode.  What do you do?  What do you do?  … Say ‘Hey baby, I love you, I’m really, really happy and you’re the girl of my dreams’ or you can just send her a YJ.

You see, emoticons are not only efficient, but it doesn’t involve fruity English words.  Ergo, manly.

My only problem with emoticons is the sheer amount of them.  I have forty-eight options on my phone.  I don’t even know if I even have that many emotions.  Half the time I don’t know if I’m happy, sad, frightened or poking my tongue out at you.  Actually, I tell a lie.  I’m always angry.  That’s the red, angry looking emoticon...

So, emoticon's are one of the less gay things, you can do and have done in your military life.  In fact, admit it, you've had more meaningful relationships with smiley faces than you had with real people.  Now if only you could act like a emoticon and disappear when I press delete. ... ;-P

Send me your question - angryauntis@gmail.com

What's wrong with the crazy bus lady?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

This morning I got on the bus with a ton of books, and was lucky to actually get a seat for once. I was trying to study, so I put my books in a pile next to me, ready to pick up should someone need to sit down. The bus was pretty empty the entire trip, so I kept the books there.

Just before a woman gets off, she comes over and starts telling me off saying a man with a leg brace and a man with two kids got on the bus and it was full. She starts carrying on about how I'm a horrible person for having my books down. I look at her blankly and apologise saying I didn't realise the bus was full- thinking, if it was it must have been for all of 2 minutes. She continues to carry on and yell at me in a patronising fashion, saying I didn't pay for two seats and it's really rude. I look over and realise she is ALSO sitting in a front seat, with noone next to her.

When I ask her who was sitting next to her, she doesn't respond and continues to tell me how horrible I am.  I am so mortified I apologise to the bus driver. He looks at me blankly and says the bus wasn't full, but someone had stood up for the man in the leg brace.

What was this womans problem (other than the obvious) and how do you advise I handle these kinds of situations? I sincerely apologised and said I hadn't noticed, and she continues to carry on. What does she expect me to do? It's not even her job to tell off passengers- its the driver's! Nevermind she held up the bus for 5mins to tell me off.

From, Stupid Kids these Days

Dear SKTD,

The first thing you need to learn is that the word count for your questions must not exceed the word count of my answer.  I spent over fifteen minutes trying to edit and peel back at least 100 words.  I went from angry to livid and gave up.  The grammar and spelling was fine but my eye balls were about to drop off after reading your war and peace problem.

So now that’s out of the way, let’s get to your problem. 

Let me start at the end.  This was your first mistake.  You need to know that when you’re on the receiving end of a full blown verbal assault with plenty of saliva spray, the absolute last thing you should do is question the person having the hissy fit.  This is because when you’re full of rage and hatred, logic and reason are in the back of the bus trying to smash down the emergency exit window.  Therefore never, ever, question “Mrs Haven't-Had-A-Lay-In-A-While” and the empty chair next to her.  As you know, doing that cost you the extra five minutes (and the extra 22 words of your question).

So, next time this happens - and yes, there will be a next time - this is what you should do.  While someone is mid verbal assault, silently stand and walk up to the bus driver.  Buy another ticket and return to your seat.  Slide the ticket into one of your books.  This means you've not only paid for your seat, but you’ve paid for your book's seat as well.  Even though the extra ticket cost you $3.20, the smirk on your face is priceless.

Send your question to me - angryauntis@gmail.com

Should I have children?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

After getting to see my nieces & nephews recently as well as seeing a lot of cute babies, I’ve been finding myself becoming quite ‘clucky’.  I’d love to have kids one day but I just don’t know if/when I’ll be ready of if I’d be a good father.  Do you think I should have children?

I don’t believe anyone’s ever ready to be a parent.  Why?  Because it’s doesn’t involve getting a licence.  You need a licence to drive a car, operate heavy machinery and shoot a firearm.  But when it comes to giving and nurturing life all you need to do is point in the right direction…

A guy is only ready to become a parent when they’re okay with a placenta flying from their baby Mumma’s loins and when they’re okay with the natural but oh-so unnatural ‘stuff’ festering in their child’s nappy.  It’s only then, they’re ready.  And not a second more.

Eeewww.  Are you grossed out?  Well darlin’ welcome to parenthood.  

You see, you hold your nieces and nephews when they’re at their best.  It’s much like watching Miss Universe seeing women as these beautiful, poised and hot creatures only to find out later that chicks fart.  And I’m not talking about pleasant bottom pops.  I’m talking about ground shaking, motor starting rips that could knock down a flagpole.  So, the lesson here?  Don’t be fooled by appearances before the commercial break.

Also, some people gush and tell you that having children is the best thing you can ever do.  But these people haven’t cured cancer or released a Grammy winning, multi platinum album.  And these same people will bang on about how nothing lights up a room more than your child’s smile.  Ummm, newsflash hot shot...  A thousand watts will do that as well...

So all I can really say is, good luck to you.  If that line turns double blue, you have no idea what you’re in for.  Having said that, I bet you’re going to be one of those people who thinks their baby’s farts are the most adorable things in the earth.  And oh my god, all of a sudden, I feel sick.