Sunday, December 18, 2011

What makes the perfect pair of breasts?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,
What makes the perfect pair of breasts?

The most obvious answer is – any pair of breasts without your grubby hands all over them is a perfect pair of breasts.  But that’s a cheap shot and I don’t do that here. 

For some guys, any pair of living breasts within eye shot is a perfect pair.  Men part with real cash dollars to get a peek, some pay a lot, others just have to say ‘let me buy you a drink’ and there they are, all in your face.  But nonetheless, the sight of boobs is a tradeable commodity.

And you guys can bitch and moan about what makes a perfect pair, but when you’re talking about these eye magnets, there’s not a complaint in sight.

But what makes a perfect pair?  Hmmm.  I hate to break it to you, but you’ve already seen them.  And unfortunately for you, if all’s well in your life, you’ll never see them again.  The most perfect pair of breasts is the first pair you ever saw.  Yo Mumma’s.

Yo Mumma’s were perfect because they weren’t only huge after you were born, but they were full of milky goodness, full all of the vitamins and minerals you needed to survive.  And that’s what you’re looking for in a perfect pair; looks and functionality. 

And before you scoff and say ‘I was bottle-fed’, I guarantee that at least once in your little poohey nappy existence, you went for the grab.  That’s right, you grabbed your own Mumma’s tits.  And not only that, you would’ve gone in for the suck and cried when she pushed you away said no. 

So next time you see a pair of breasts that aren’t quite perfect, don’t say ‘send them back’, just smile and thank god they’re not your mother’s.  And after reading this, I hope the next time you see your girlfriend’s set, you think of your mother’s big, bad, heaving knockers you once cried over.