Can You Babysit My Kids?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt

My husband and I are going away for the weekend and our babysitter has cancelled.  Can you look after the kids for a couple of days?  Kelly is four and Richard is two and a half.

Sure thing.  Maybe Richard could teach me how to use my mobile phone and Kelly could help me install a firewall. 

We could play games like, why loud banging is important, where to safely hide the mushy and smelly banana and ‘Hot And Cold’ - The Kitchen version.  I’ll also introduce them to a new game  called the ‘No’ game.  It’s where every answer is no but you have to work from a yell to a shrill.  Your kids sound smart; I’m confident they’ll catch on.

I’m happy to hold Q&A sessions from everything ranging from - ‘Why You Look Like Mummy’s Boss’ to ‘Tattoo’s: Short term pain, long term gain’.  We can debate issues like whether it’s better to have a sharp wit or a sharp knife and if we have time we’ll have a good hearty discussion about God verses Science.

But don’t worry, there’ll be heaps of educational stuff as well.  I’ll hold three but invaluable seminars.  ‘How To Help Daddy Fix His Car When He’s Not Looking’, ‘How Your Attitude Is Your Weapon; The Pre-teen Version’ and ‘How To Learn Numbers’.  I just need your credit card for that class.  At night, I’ll read them bedside stories like, ‘The Princess and the Non-committal Prince’, ‘Why Addiction Is Bad But Inevitable’ and ‘Sleep Is For Losers, Volumes 7 - 11’.

I’m ready to go.  Just let me know what time you want me there.

Send your questions to me - angryauntis@gmail.com

How Do I Make Him Go To School?

Dear Agony Aunt

My seven year old kid won’t go to school.  I’ve tried everything.  Pleading, negotiation, bribes, reverse psychology and force.  On the mornings I take time off work to drag him kicking and screaming to school, he gets there and runs away to the Nurse’s office citing a made up disease.  Other than tie him to chair, I don’t know what else to do.  I’m at my wits end.

Tie him to a chair?  That’s some good parenting there.  But why stop there?  Tie him to a chair, give him eleven years worth of Big Mac’s, a bed pan and wish him all the best...  Tie him to a chair?  It just goes to show you don't need to have brains or common sense to have children.

You’re son however, he sounds like a hoot.  And he’s already a lot smarter than you.  Let’s look at three important facts.  He doesn’t listen to you.  Tick.  He visits the hot nurse in sick bay.  Tick.  He’s creative enough to come up with never heard before ailments.  Tick.  Your son is an entrepreneurial genius of his time; a young mix of Donald Trump, Richard Branson and Dr Oz.

His gift needs to be nurtured, not stifled by unimportant things like English, math and social studies.  While all the other kids are agonising over bell curves, fumbling around with Bunsen burners and hating every single word of that idiot, Shakespeare, you’re youngin’ is just biding his time until he can bust out of there, start a chain of strip-joint convenience stores and become a multi-billionaire.

You’re the luckiest chick to have opened her legs.  If nurtured and supported, your son will buy you a duplex in Parramatta with his first million.  Then with his first billion, he might even buy you a motorised scooter.  You never know, it might even come with a full tank of petrol. 

However, if suppressed and restrained, you can forget your Parramatta dreams because all you’ll get will be paternity divorce papers.  These papers will be served by your son’s busty second wife, Brandy-Ann who’ll you’ll later find out - via your son’s memoirs - she does indeed tie him to chair.  But that’s for completely different reasons.

Send your questions to me - angryauntis@gmail.com

Should I have corrected him?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I was in a car accident and survived with agonising whiplash.  But what distressed me more was the policeman’s final report of the incident.  The report says I was in the right but it was littered with so many spelling and grammatical errors, the sentence structure made me sound like I was drunk.  However, fearing he’d arrest me for ‘obstruction of justice’ I signed the statement without saying anything.  Should I have corrected him?

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but, I think you’re my soul mate.  I had exactly the same experience.  This is an excerpt from my latest police statement as presented to the Magistrate.  The author of this sparkling document was Senior Constable Perry McWhirter.

“…It took twelve minutes for the subject to accept the power pole on the corner of Pitt and

Market Street wasn’t her next husband.  After I demanded she stop kissing the pole, she loudly commented on my above average weight and accused me of being the son of an unmarried mother.  At this time, I advised her that I was going to handcuff and restrain her.  She responded by saying she wanted to ‘see the cash upfront’ because it was unlikely I was in a financial position to afford it...’

Now, this makes me sound like I was drunk doesn’t it?  I feel your pain. 

So, the next day, I confronted Constable Perry and demanded he retract it.  He must’ve misunderstood and started humping a power pole.  I said that I wanted him to retract it, not re-enact it.  He told me he was not going to change his statement and that I needed to remember that he was a Policeman.  He said ‘Policemen are like drunk spinsters at a B&S ball, we’re ugly, we do a lot of shouting and you’ll always regret running into us the previous night’.

So after my painful ‘run in’ with Constable Perry, all I can say to you is that you need to get a grip.  You did the right thing to shut your gob.  After all, we’re only talking about a concrete, water tight, iron clad police statement.  It’s not something important, say, like a blog.

Send your questions to me - angryauntis@gmail.com

Should I tell my friends I've won Lotto?

Hi Angry Agony Aunt

I’ve just won First Division in Lotto.  Should I tell my friends?

Ra-rah-rah Rich

Dear Richie Rich

Let me start off by saying you’re the best looking reader I’ve ever had.  However, your looks pale in to insignificance when it comes to your brains and brawn.  I hope I’m not stating the obvious when I say that you’re a rare specimen.  When it comes to having a balance of good looks, good personality and good fortune, you’re right up there with your Peter Andre.  So, now that’s out of the way, let me give you a guiding hand and I’ll do my best to give you the best advice possible.

Look, you’re a total jerk.  You’re a jerk with or without money.  I’m guessing the ‘friends’ you talk about are probably a few old high school frenemies, a few ex-boyfriends and a lot of co-workers that really can’t stand you microwaving your curry lunch in the office.

These are the same people that never have and never will invite you to workplace farewell party, unless of course, it’s yours.  This is where they’ll spare no expense to ensure your building security pass is returned and destroyed.  Or to steal a phrase - until the security pass is ‘buried and cremated’.

But unfortunately for you, it’s too late.  They already know.  They got your subtle hints.  Their first clue was when you employed The Wiggles to record your voicemail singing ‘I’m in the money’.  The second was on casual Friday when you wore that dress made of hundred dollar notes.  The last clue is that big novelty cheque you got framed and hung above your desk.  You really are a jerk.

But believe it or not, you’re co-workers are actually quite happy for you.  This is their time to shine.  I heard a couple of them on the blower to Nigeria interviewing a few spam agents.  Shortly, you'll be receiving an email from Amadi telling you that he needs to offload twenty billion dollars and just needs your bank account to do so.  And believe me, it’s in your best interests to tell him.  This is the quickest way to turn your small win into a big billion dollar win.  Boy, you're on a roll.  Good luck to you.  He, he.

 

Send your questions to me - angryauntis@gmail.com

What font should I use?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I’m trying to write a novel but can’t decide on a font. My problem is that I can't start to write until I find a font I like.  What should I do?  

Wow.  Your problems are huge.  How you’ve managed to stay upright this long and haven’t topped yourself is truly a miracle.  And not one of those ‘oh, my baby is a miracle’ miracles.  I’m talking about a real stumper that not even the Pope can explain.  But I’ll give it a go.  With or without my Pastoral Staff.

Here’s a fun fact for you.  Did you know the first ever font invented was Wingdings?  You didn’t know that?  True.  But back in the day, cavemen didn’t have Apple Mac’s and it took them forever to carve out a sentence.  Can you imagine how long it’d take to write out - Buffalo, spear, bird, bird, spear, lizard, spear, crescent moon, fish, arrow head, tree, arrow head just to spell out ‘Macca was here’.  I’m guessing at least three hibernation seasons.

Then after a period of time, pictures where replaced with letters.  But if you’re Chinese, pictures were replaced with a random smatter of ‘slashes’.  Ironically, these slashes actually look like things - like houses, stick men hugging each other and office buildings.  So really, the Chinese written word hasn’t evolved that much.

And then there’s the Germans.  Don’t get me started on the Germans.  With their umlaut’s, eszett’s and lack of dental fricatives.  Those German’s are always trying to show off.  But I must say that probably the most interesting language in the world is that of those crazy residents of Lesbos.  They speak Lesbian.  And you can bet that come class time, those crazy Lesbos teenage boys turn up on time, sit up straight and ask for homework. 

I haven’t researched the Lesbian font but I’m guessing you’re downloading it now for your novel writing.  You're a dirty bastard.

Send your questions to me - angryauntis@gmail.com