Dear Angry Agony Aunt,
I was in a car accident and survived with agonising whiplash. But what distressed me more was the policeman’s final report of the incident. The report says I was in the right but it was littered with so many spelling and grammatical errors, the sentence structure made me sound like I was drunk. However, fearing he’d arrest me for ‘obstruction of justice’ I signed the statement without saying anything. Should I have corrected him?
I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but, I think you’re my soul mate. I had exactly the same experience. This is an excerpt from my latest police statement as presented to the Magistrate. The author of this sparkling document was Senior Constable Perry McWhirter.
“…It took twelve minutes for the subject to accept the power pole on the corner of Pitt and
Market Street wasn’t her next husband. After I demanded she stop kissing the pole, she loudly commented on my above average weight and accused me of being the son of an unmarried mother. At this time, I advised her that I was going to handcuff and restrain her. She responded by saying she wanted to ‘see the cash upfront’ because it was unlikely I was in a financial position to afford it...’
Market Street wasn’t her next husband. After I demanded she stop kissing the pole, she loudly commented on my above average weight and accused me of being the son of an unmarried mother. At this time, I advised her that I was going to handcuff and restrain her. She responded by saying she wanted to ‘see the cash upfront’ because it was unlikely I was in a financial position to afford it...’
Now, this makes me sound like I was drunk doesn’t it? I feel your pain.
So, the next day, I confronted Constable Perry and demanded he retract it. He must’ve misunderstood and started humping a power pole. I said that I wanted him to retract it, not re-enact it. He told me he was not going to change his statement and that I needed to remember that he was a Policeman. He said ‘Policemen are like drunk spinsters at a B&S ball, we’re ugly, we do a lot of shouting and you’ll always regret running into us the previous night’.
So after my painful ‘run in’ with Constable Perry, all I can say to you is that you need to get a grip. You did the right thing to shut your gob. After all, we’re only talking about a concrete, water tight, iron clad police statement. It’s not something important, say, like a blog.
Send your questions to me - angryauntis@gmail.com
