Dear Agony Aunt,
I’d like to get an exotic pet but the laws prevent me importing large sea turtles. Do you have any advice on how I can possibly get around this or could you recommend another animal that would be cool to own and is available in Australia
Sea turtle hey? Yeah. Come to think of it, a sea turtle seems like a perfect companion for you. Slow, prehistoric and surly looking. You know that look well - an expression of constant and painful constipation. Also, it’s been documented that sea turtles take decades to reach sexual maturity. So, at the moment, I can’t think of a better pet for you.
But just because a turtle is your ideal pet, doesn’t mean you’re theirs. I say this because of a lunch we had a couple of months ago. Yeah, you remember the one. This is where you said that watching me eat was like ‘putting a turtle on its back and watching it try and get up again’. Yeah, yeah, you’re hilarious. Knee slapping, belly busting, wikileaking, hilarious.
It’s for this reason I urge you not to get a turtle. And make no mistake, if you get caught in customs with a turtle down your pants, I’ll be the first one down there spouting your lack of turtlery care. I’ll tell customs that I can just imagine your new pet, ‘Mr Bojangles’, spending his life on his back, really angry and really cranky. It might’ve been good enough for your ex-girlfriend but a turtle deserves better.
So, this brings me to my advice. Forget turtles. Forget cats. Forget fish and forget anything that has eyes. But if you really have to have a pet, like, right now, start small. Cactus small. Sure, it might prick you when you touch it - just like your ex-girlfriend but it doesn’t require any formal attention for extended periods of time. Also, some cactus plants are hermaphrodites, meaning they’re able to have sex with themselves. Wow… forget the turtle, a cactus is your perfect match.
