Penis. Hate. Every Friday.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt
I just read your post about 'what makes a perfect pair of breasts' and I'd like to know what a perfect penis looks like?  All my ex-boyfriends tell me their penis was perfect but surely only one of them is right?  If at all?

I say that a perfect penis is the kind of penis that isn’t on anyone’s forehead.  It sounds like all your ex-boyfriends had one up there as well as one down there.  It must have been awkward walking next to someone with a penis so visible.  Sorry about that.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,
Why does my Aunt hate me after I sung on stage?

I want to reassure you it’s because you’re a terrible singer but I think it’s more than that.  I think your Aunt hates you because your mother (her sister) is a dirty, filthy whore.  Your Aunt obviously busted your Mum pashing your Uncle backstage while you were butchering ‘New York, New York’.  All the best Britney.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

My friend had lunch with this girl every Friday and my friend has now left the company.  At his farewell drinks they both bullied me into becoming her new weekly lunch date.  How do I get out of it?

Who needs enemies when you’ve got friends?  Think about why your friend left the company in the first place.  Sure, he said it was because he was offered more money somewhere else but I’m guessing the answer lays square on a Friday. 

But having said that, you eat lunch right?  You also eat lunch on a Friday?  Well, I really don’t see what the problem is.  Sure, you may be talked at for sixty minutes but I say suck it up.  Enjoy the hour of being talked at.  After all, it’s good practice for when you get married one day.

Cats, Porn and Fashion

Dear Angry Agony Aunt

Help! How do I stop my two year old from constantly tormenting our cat?

Firstly your child needs to learn some serious lessons about life’s pecking order at home.  It goes : cat, cat food, clean kitty litter tray, cat accessories, Mum, Dad then pesky children.  It’s really as simple as that.

In my opinion, cats are the Kim Kardashian’s of the animal kingdom.  They prance around with no real purpose other than to make you buy accessories for them.  And just like a Kardashian, we’re not entirely sure what cats do when people aren’t watching.

But cheap shots aside, my advice is to let your little Timmy/Josephine torment away.  Why?  Because it’s just a matter of time when your child will stop tormenting the cat and will start tormenting you.  My parents tell me that the tormenting NEVER stops.  So for now, let Her Magesty Queen Furball take one for the team.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I was walking down the street the other day and noticed a fashion tag poking out of the top of a lady's shirt (back of the neck).  I tapped her on the shoulder and asked if I could tuck it back in. However, before she could respond, (to save embarrassment), I fixed it up and quickly moved on.  I instantly felt guilty.  Should I have fixed up her tag?

Look at that!  A fashion question.  And no fashion answer would be complete without the mention of Lady Gaga... So there, I've mentioned her.

What you need to understand is that people spend a lot of time and money looking dishevelled.  Ripped jeans, holes in stockings and my personal favourite, excessive fake tan.  So, maybe this 'tag poking' is just another fad? 

You see, without fad's, fashion wouldn't be a billion dollar industry.  It'd be much like having a porn industry with no bad story lines.  And ironically, these two billion dollar industries are polar opposites.  One industry works on the premise that clothes must be worn at all times and the other succeeds by making sure clothes are off at all times.  And I don't mind that because there are clear defined lines.  Unlike another billion dollar industry.  The wedding dress industry. 

This scam works on the sole premises that you have to spend forty thousand dollars to wear a dress once before it's ripped off you at the end of the night.  Dress on.  Dress off.  Then after seven years, you can’t even flog it off on e-bay for $24.95 or turn it into a nice curtain set.  What a rip off. 

But should you have fixed her tag?  No.  Keep your hands to yourself, you pervert.

How do I tell my boyfriend I'm pregnant?

Heya All

To celebrate one year of Angry Agony Aunt, I thought I’d become Mayor of Lazytown and get you to answer a question.  If you’re a Facebook fan, you would have seen my post asking for answers (public and private) to the below question.  All I can say is - thank goodness I’m the Angry Agony Aunt and you’re not.  Also, I might do this again, so if you want to be involved next time, just ‘like’ the Angry Agony Aunt on Facebook.  Enjoy.  Or not. 

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

How do I tell my boyfriend I’m pregnant?

Lynette Martha Cavanough – Run like hell when you’re telling him!

Dimmity Dalton – I asked my husband this question (after you posted it on Facebook).  He responded by asking, ‘Are you pregnant?’ I told him I wasn't and that it was just a question.  He looked down at his crotch and said, ‘Thank god for dumb swimmers’, then left the room.  He came back an hour later and said, ‘Hey, does that mean you have a boyfriend’?

Meg Babycuddles – I’d punch him in the face. He’d get the idea eventually.

Grovulus Grooney – Wait until you have an ultrasound photograph then Photoshop the boyfriend’s face onto the fetus and make it the new desktop background on his computer.

Maxwell Adams – My ex-girlfriend sent me a haiku type message.  “You had sex with me quickly, now I’m throwing up, very soon I’ll be crowning.”

Gordon Jenkins – Just tell him, don’t be dishonest.

Rebecca Kerry – This happened to me and I sent my husband an Outlook calendar update to attend the birth (on my estimated due date). I was four days early so it wasn’t a bad guess!

Callum Fevola – I hope my girlfriend tells me it’s the milkman’s.

Sally Jaspen – We have four kids and when I fell pregnant with my fifth child, I said to my husband, ‘This time when they cut the cord, we’ll get the doctor to use the scissors on you.  Two for one’.

Jeremy Brody – To avoid this kind of discussion, I ask my girlfriend to not talk to me at all.  It works out well because she’s not that bright anyway.

Mimi Freeman – I think I’ll get Dad to tell him.  I’ll leave it up to Dad to figure out how.  No matter what Dad comes up with, it’ll be fun to watch.

Angry Agony Aunt – Don’t tell him.  See how long it takes him to figure it out.

Got a question?  Send it to angryauntis@gmail.com

How do I tell him my name?

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

I started a new job three weeks ago and one of my co-workers keeps calling me Adele.  That'd be fine but my name is Amanda.  I don’t want to upset him because he’s been exceptionally nice but how do I tell him my name without hurting his feelings?  I’m fast becoming the victim of sad wit - (the 'rolling in the deep' jokes are killing me).

From Amanda (or is it Adele?)

Dear 'A'

I think you’re in an enormous position of power.  The best time you’ll ever have at work is when you first start.  This is when all the staff (both male and female) turn in to male peacocks and strut around your work area shaking their tail feathers.  They'll do a little dance and show you only their best and brightest colours.  It's much like the early stages of dating but in your case, you get paid to turn up to this love-in.  So I say, use it.

You see, this is the time where everyone is nicey-nice to you.  Why?  Because work is nothing more than collecting as many scapegoats as you can.  Much like politics (and a very popular Wiggle's song), it's a numbers game...

Your co-workers will come running to your aid after you make your first REAL mistake.  They say, ‘that’s fine, don't worry about it, you’re still learning’, as you're gathered in the assembly area watching the fire brigade put out the fire.  They’ll give you a little side cuddle and say, ‘Hey, no big deal… in my last job, I slept with my boss’ wife… boy, that was a mistake…’.

Then later on, when they've figured out you've become someone elses scapegoat (traitor), the peacocks leave and your coworkers turn in to unnatural, scaly vermin with fire breathing capabilities.  Behaviour includes - yelling at you for using the communal printer, scowling at you after you say 'good morning' and the very popular, cold shoulder treatment (but in some cases, having co-workers ignore you is actually a good thing).  It's then you realise your once paid paradise oasis has turned into a cubical coffin.

So I say, let your co-worker call you Adele for as long as he likes.  

But be proactive about it.  Go to the store and buy fifty name tags with different names on them.  Wear a different name tag every two weeks or so.  This way, your co-worker will always think you’re the new person and you'll never become anyone's 'doe'.