Dear Angry Agony Aunt
I recently did a celebrity internet quiz on Valentines Day and found out my ideal partner is Charlie Sheen. This is great but I worry about his crazy behaviour. Do you think he’ll be able to commit to me without the pain of associated addiction? His track record hasn’t been the greatest and I wonder if we could see it through thick and thin.
Oh my god. My life just got that little bit worse. Birds stopped chirping, thunderstorms have started crackling in the distance and I think there’s a little vomit in my mouth.
Are you serious? Charlie’s got enough problems to deal with. I’m guessing that putting up with you - even being introduced to you will send him over the edge. He’s a talent - a drunk guy, playing a drunk guy and that kind of talent is rare. Being anywhere near you would be the end of his sparkling career and I won’t have any part of it.
What you need to do is stay away from the internet. If you can’t do that, then stay away from any kind of quizzes. This includes surveys, IQ tests and internet banking. Society can’t afford to have the internet break down because of one stupid person. And while you’re at it, maybe it might also be a good idea to stay away from people. Oh my god - I just got a shiver. Maybe you’re family/friends just cheered. I can’t be sure.
But what I can be sure of is that you’re an idiot. It’s a guess - an educated guess - but I’m guessing Charlie Sheen doesn’t date girls who surf the net and do quizzes on Valentines Day. I’m guessing he only dates girls who are already on the internet. And do you know what, good luck to him.
For all the problems he has, his problems are okay. They only involve a 90 day stint at Betty Ford and a lot of hugs and support. Your problems on the other hand are much harder to deal with. And you’re not paying me by the hour but should be seeing someone who does. If it's good enough for Charlie, it's good enough for you.
Send your questions to me - angryauntis@gmail.com
