Dear Angry Agony Aunt,
I bought my friend a book direct from a publisher and after a long process of them ‘losing’ the delivery, I ended up with two books. Should I send the other one back?
Life is nothing but karma points and a points system more confusing than the Westminster
For example, setting off a false school fire alarm is negative ten, negative fifteen if you do it on test day and negative twenty-five if you do it on a hot day on a test day. But if the Principal sets the alarm off just at that crucial moment before Andrew Rosetti is about to tell you he likes you, the stupid Principal actually gets positive three points for doing it as a ‘drill’.
Karma also has a long list of rules and regulations more ambiguous and contradictory than the Bible. You get three points for telling your partner their bum does look big but the ensuing argument will in fact see you end up negative seven. Smacking your child in a supermarket, negative one - smacking someone else’s child, negative twenty. Go figure.
So, with all these confusing cosmic positives and negatives karma tallies silently ticking away, it’s really hard to know where you’re at in life. All I can say is that if you’ve slept with your best friend’s boyfriend, told a child there’s no Santa or posted a significantly younger photo of yourself on an internet dating web site, I insist - no, I beg of you to return the book. Send it by courier and with a heartfelt, handwritten thank you note. And if you’re really points poor, enclose another cheque for good measure. Unfortunately, you still won’t be in the black, but at least you’re only a couple of hours of community service away from turning your life around. And it all starts with that book.
