How do I get sponsorship?

Hey Ags, What's happenin?

I want some advice.

Mate, i'm the top notch, you beaut, buffed up, puncherific, smashaholic, take no shit, do-no-wrong Tasmanian heavyweight wrestlin champion and professional badass extraordinaire.

I've got the fists that kill and the looks that thrill and when I'm not in me wrestlin gear pummling my opponents in the ring with unrelenting bashment, I'm struttin me stuff around the streets of Launceston in me denim floggin out a belting to any c*** who so much as looks at me, even if they don't look at me.

I've got it all and everybody wishes they could be me...  But I want more!!!!!

For years i've been tryin to get big multi million dollar companies to endorse me and throw bundles of free shit and cash my way for nuthin but none of them seem to care.  I've tried em all!!!  KFC, Subway, Colgate, Wrigleys chewin gum, Mcains, Coke and a certain other heartless soulsuckin shit heeled U.S. soft drink giant who will remain nameless (ie Dr Pepper, the pricks)

But no luck....... Not a red cent, nuthin!!!!!!  Mate, What gives?????!!!!!!??????  How do i get one?

Sincerely aggravated, The hot buttered kid.

Hi Hot Butttered

I can’t understand why no-one will sponsor you either.  You sound positively dreamy.  A modern day Tony Danza if you like.  Your words just jump off the page and immediately get people in to a Nelson Hold.  I could feel the strength of your bulging and pulsating muscles under my arms and could imagine your stale tuna breath against my ear.

I think your problem is with the type of companies you're approaching.  To be sponsored successfully, you need to align yourself to products more akin to your personality.  The role of a self-absorbed ninny has already been trademarked by Warwick Capper but here are a few other suggestions for you.

-      Libra maternity pads.  Thick and bulky for girls.

-      Sure Fit ear plugs.  To drown out that annoying sound.

-      Aaron’s Hardware.  For when you’re looking for a REAL tool.

-      Any female urination device that allows you to pee while standing up.

-      Ansell condoms.  What happens when the dumb sperm get through.

But if any of these suggestions fall through (but I think Ansell will pay up), I suggest you get the ultimate sponsorship and go on the Dole.  But a word of warning.  Even though it looks like you’re getting money for nothing, the Dole is owned by me - and all my other tax paying Angry Agony Aunt readers.  So we’ll require you to do things for us in return. My first and only job for you is to take some Imodium becuase that stuff is still dribbling out of your mouth.  I’m sure my readers will have other suggestions. 

Love and kisses, Angry Aunty.

I come back from holidays to this...

I come back from holiday and these were only some of the questions waiting for me in my inbox.  angryauntis@gmail.com

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

Someone at work used my bin to throw away their empty soft drink bottle.  They only sit down the hall, shouldn’t they have used their own bin?

That's disgusting!  That's like you co-worker putting their filthy rubbish directly in to your mouth!  Take a stand.  Too many people have been quiet about this issue.  And you'll be surprised how much this happens.  It's outrageous!  Your Manager needs to know.  Right now.  No, no, right now.  Don't read the rest of this Agony Aunt, sent the message.  Tell them I sent you.  You're a brave, brave solider.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

Why do people leave their decisions up to chance?  Why flip a coin or use another stupid ‘pick an answer out of a hat’ system?  Can people really not make decisions?

What are you talking about?  All the best decisions are made by flipping a coin.  How would we know who was going to bat first?  What would the old fella’s do on Anzac Day?  How do you think your husband picked you over your sister?

But as Sigmund Freud said, it’s not the ‘chance’ outcome itself that matters, it’s how you feel about the outcome.  So if you feel bad about what was tossed, you have the chance to change it; ergo, you’re making a decision.  So whether you pick a box, draw the short straw or pick highlighters out of an envelope (weird!) remember, playing with chance is the best decision you ever make.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt

Every four years we get an extra day in February.  What did you do on the leap year day this year?

I ate a bucket of broccoli in the morning and farted like a rocket all afternoon.

Dear Agony Aunt,

A new girl has started at work and I share a work area with her.  She’s constantly verbally abusing me and I don’t understand why she does it because I’m a really nice person.  Also, she keeps interrupting me when I’m working.  But what irritates me more is that she can’t pronounce the word Australia.  I never thought I’d hear it said with such a ‘bogan’ drawl.  It’s like fingernails down a chalkboard.  I spend forty hours a week with this ‘person’, how can I make life at work more bearable?

Use her bin.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt,

Delta Goodrem on ‘The Voice’ makes me really mad.  I both hate and like her at the same time.  I like that she’s talented but I hate that she’s fake.  Please tell me she’s not going to win the competition.

She’s not going to win the competition.  Because at the eleventh hour, Cher is going to land in Australia, storm in to Channel Nine and steal Delta's chair.  She's then going to apologise to 'all of Australia' for selling the keys to Adelaide on e-bay (but what she doesn't know is that everyone outside of South Australia doesn't care). 

Then by way of sabotage, she'll stand over Keith causing him to have a real fear of taller women, she'll give Joel a good charlotte, beat Seal in a 'charm-off' then win the entire competition with the blind girl. 

Delta will be ushered out of the studio with sherbet stick and a couple of milk chews for her troubles but at least her parking will be validated.

Dear Angry Agony Aunt

My mother is in her fifties and she recently bought a scooter.  The first time she rode it, she accidentally drove it in to a fence, fell off and gave herself a black eye.  Should she keep the scooter?

Head says yes tails says no.

Send your questions to angryauntis@gmail.com