Dear Angry Agony Aunt,
I received a promotional press release and was stunned by the first sentence.
Due to my PA being on stress and mental health leave last week, it seems that the wrong date has been forwarded regarding my clothing launch. Please note the following correct details…
That poor secretary. Should I respond?
Of course you should respond. It’s your civic duty. It’s the literary equivalent of standing by and watching bank robbery and not doing anything about it. Send this moron a delicious and fiery response. Here’s something to get you started.
Dear [insert your name here]
Thank you for your generic and rather clinical email. Let me start by saying I hope this email sees you well. And by well, I mean, I hope you’re stuck in a vat full of putrid prawn heads on a hot day.
So you’re secretary is on stress and mental health leave? There’s a reason for that. You’re a terrible designer, you wear too much make-up and your old lady moustache is showing.
The first rule of ‘Being Boss 101’ is to never publicly ‘rubbish’ a secretary. But in particular, never publicly rubbish your own secretary. Why? Because everyone at one stage has either, been a secretary, known a secretary or taken a secretary out for a drink and asked for a bit of dictation. This means that every single person is affected by what you said. And regardless if it’s true or not, never, ever, ever, tell people that your right hand has gone to the funny farm. So on behalf of all secretaries, I submit the following.
I hope the stitching in your new polyester/lyrca Autumn collection frays and unravels with only one tug. I hope the fashion reviewers from News Limited describe your range as ‘A must have in coffin wear’. I hope the distributors refuse to transport your shapeless sack bags because of their high flammability content.
But more than anything, I hope your launch is a great success. I hope it's attended by wall-to-wall secretaries drinking your cheap wine, eating your crappy canapes and giving you a good long hard file.
