Dear Angry Agony Aunt,
I’m finding myself becoming increasingly angry and frustrated at old people. I know that I should be respectful and overly nice to them but I just find the majority of them so rude and arrogant and disrespectful towards me and others themselves that I think “Why bother?” Also, I constantly find myself thinking that at the age they are, most of the time they should know better. Is there something wrong with me?
Of course there’s something wrong with you. You have B.O. and mould between your teeth. Your girlfriend is the town bicycle, your Mum is sleeping with your boss and your boss has naked pictures of your Mum on his desktop. You’ve got bigger problems than old people. But do you know what, let’s go with it.
Old people are oddly cool, psychotic nincompoops. On the one hand they keep calling a DVD Player a VCR and don’t know how to work a VCR, but on the other hand, they can put up a kilometre long fence in half a day. Old people can’t remember where they put their glasses/teeth/tea/Viagra but they can make cakes that don’t puff or sag in the middle. These reasons alone take care of the ‘oddly cool’ part but let's shuffle in to 'psychotic nincompoops' territory.
Old people have awesome ‘telling off’ finger waggles but when it comes to lifting heavy stuff, they sight ‘arthritis’. Yeah right Grandpa. Next. Old people will yell at someone who’s sitting right next to them, yell at someone in the next room and yell as someone down the road but they'll whisper when they talk to birds, cats and dogs.
But apart from all their contradictions, old people have a legitimate reason to be rude and bitter. And it’s a lot simpler than you think. Old people are cranky because women live longer than men. Yeah, I know, what a shitty world we live in.
Having this unfair end-game means everyone’s cranky. Obviously, the men are cranky because they’re going to hell first and the women are cranky because there’s no-one to put up any more fences.
But having said all that, there's only one cool thing about being old which they all keep a little secret from us 'young people'. --- They have access to subsidised and frequently obtainable prescription medication. Boo-yeah. Up yours, youth-of-today.
